Ode to the Sacred Squat
How to Pee in the Woods
Follow the trail markers below — and remember, peeing without a toilet is as easy as pie.
A small ode for anyone who has ever
squatted behind a fern and prayed for invisibility.
If you squat when you pee
You don’t need to be shy
Peeing without a toilet
Is as easy as pie
Is pie really easy?
Does that even make sense?
The last time I made pie
I made quite a mess
But back to the topic
Of peeing in the woods
If you’ve never done it
You just really should
Find a small little nook
200ft from a lake
Don’t pee on a fish
That’s not leave no trace
Look out for the nettles,
Poison ivy or oak
Avoid animal dens
And blackberries that poke
If you’re up in the alpine,
Try peeing on rocks
Critters love nibbling the salt
They’re not intending to gawk
Unzip your pants,
squat down real low —
the splashback is real,
just so you know.
Look around and stay sharp
It’s an indisputable fact
The trail will be empty
Until you bare your ass
Materializing in space
Disturbing your peace
A family of 6
And a dog off a leash
Steadfast, oh brave one
Maintain your stream
If you hide behind this fern
Maybe it will seem
Like you aren’t really there
An illusion perhaps
Until little Jayden sees you
And lets out a laugh
It’s over at this point
It’s time to surrender
Finish your peeing
Don’t be a pretender
Pat dry with a Kula
Head held high as can be
There is nothing wrong at all
About a backcountry pee
Original poem written by Anastasia Allison,
former park ranger and founder of Kula Cloth.
Pee free, oh dear friend,
in your wilderness commode.
Pee free, oh dear soul —
all the places you ‘go’.