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How to Pee in the Woods

If you squat when you pee
You don’t need to be shy
Peeing without a toilet
Is as easy as pie
 
Is pie really easy?
Does that even make sense?
The last time I made pie
I made quite a mess
 
But back to the topic
Of peeing in the woods
If you’ve never done it
You just really should
 
Find a small little nook
200ft from a lake
Don’t pee on a fish
That’s not leave no trace
 
Look out for the nettles,
Poison ivy or oak
Avoid animal dens
And blackberries that poke
 
If you’re up in the alpine,
Try peeing on rocks
Critters love nibbling the salt
They’re not intending to gawk
 
Unzip your pants
Squat down real low
The splashback is real
Just so you know
 
Look around and stay sharp
It’s an indisputable fact
The trail will be empty
Until you bare your ass
 
Materializing in space
Disturbing your peace
A family of 6
And a dog off a leash
 
Steadfast, oh brave one
Maintain your stream
If you hide behind this fern
Maybe it will seem
 
Like you aren’t really there
An illusion perhaps
Until little Jayden sees you
And lets out a laugh
 
It’s over at this point
It’s time to surrender
Finish your peeing
Don’t be a pretender
 
Pat dry with a Kula
Head held high as can be
There is nothing wrong at all
About a backcountry pee
 
Pee free, oh dear friend
In your wilderness commode
Pee free, oh dear soul
All the places you ‘go’.